Smugglypantish
by Remii
Summary: COMPLETE A rabid Hobbit who likes sex! Humor! I find it very funny.


Title: Bingo Smugglypants  
  
Author: It's actually by my friend, it was a birthday present to me..but she won't take claim for it..so: Remii  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or any events/places/people in this story besides Bingo.  
  
Warning: I'd say PG-13, just for references. Spoiler. Slash. Not beta- ed!!(besides myself..but..yea..)  
  
Category: Comedy/Humor..twisted Romance? Hell, I'll even throw in Adventure and Action...cause..well.. Bingo does get action!  
Once upon a time in a far off land there lived a hobbit named Bingo Smugglypants. And he...did stuff. Not sure. I'll continue this interesting story once I think up a plot. Ah, yes! And Bingo Smugglypants had an affair with every single pretty hobbit lass in the Shire. So consequently, half a generation was half brothers and sisters. Which would REALLY make F/S and M/P incest stories.  
  
After they found out what Bingo had been doing with most of his spare time, the Shirefolk decided to kick him out. First, they stoned him. This consisted of pelting him with rocks and getting him high. Then, they carried his prone form into the Old Forest, hoping the Willow would eat him. They left him there, mumbling about cherry-flavored manga bunnies. (he was high, what do you expect?)  
  
So when Bingo woke up, he found himself lost in an evil forest with a killer migraine. Bemoaning his sorry plight and picking his nose, Bingo set off in a random direction (that of course took him towards the Willow.) Luckily, upon reaching the Willow, Bingo found that the tree was too preoccupied to want to eat him. For you see, Old Man Willow was in the middle of playing a kinky bark game with Tom Bombadil, and couldn't be bothered to swallow an unwashed, fat hobbit who likes sex too much.  
  
Tom Bombadil, however, told Bingo where to find Goldberry so that he could have his way with her. After a nice bang bang, Bingo left, and headed to a bar in Bree.  
  
One problem..there were no women in the whole goddamn bar! Bingo thought he would go mad on the spot.  
  
However, Bingo Smugglypants was stupid. He didn't know what existed beyond Bree. So he didn't know there were hot elf chicks in Rivendell. Poor Bingo!  
  
Despondent and unfulfilled, Bingo lay down in a ditch and prayed that something with breasts would walk by. But nothing did. There weren't even any female livestock! And as a result from sex deprivation, Bingo Smugglypants went into a comatose state for a year. He was only finally awakened when somebody picked him up out of the mud and shook him off. It was...Tom Bombadil!  
  
Yesh! Tom was back...but he was mad! As it may have been noted, Bingo has a tendency to be especially fertile. 100% percent of the time he has sex, he gets the girl pregnant (unless she's already pregnant, of course). And Goldberry was no exception. While Bingo had lain in the ditch, she had carried and birthed an extremely fat baby with large hairy feet. Now having his wife buggered didn't bother Tom much, but having a baby in the house that wasn't his did piss Tom off. A LOT.  
  
Now Tom had promised Goldberry they could keep the baby 'cause it was hers, but Tom was determined to exact his revenge on Bingo! So Tom picked Bingo up by the scruff of his neck and used his Secret Magic Powerful Powers to fly way up into the air and east over the Misty Mountains! This made Bingo very uncomfortable, because not only was Tom swearing like a sailor in Quenya, he was swinging Bingo by the shirt collar. And since hobbits and heights don't mix well in the first place, Bingo threw up 27 times.  
  
The puke smelled horrifying, even though it would fall immediately down to the ground after spilling from Bingo's mouth. The barf didn't land on any people, but it did occasionally land on several small cute woodland creatures, killing them. (poor cute things!)  
  
Anyway, soon the stench of Bingo's sporadic barfings were too much to bear even for Tom Bombadil. So he let go of Bingo and flew back home to Goldberry. Fat and completely at the mercy of gravity, Bingo found himself plunging 200 feet down...into the Druadan forest!  
  
(For those who don't know the Druadan Forest's creatures, they're in ROTK. They're like hobbits, except shorter and hairier and have big arms. But their not related to hobbits, they're related to this species of men called Drugs that were in the Unfinished Tales...but anyway, on with the story!)  
  
Because this story doesn't end with a grisly splat, Bingo didn't die when he hit the ground. Instead, he bounced! Like a basket ball, he bounced five times high into the air until finally landing in a muddy forest ditch (some things never change). He lay there unconscious until three Wildmen warriors chanced upon him. Thinking him either to be Meat or a God (both good things), so they dragged him home.  
  
The three warriors soon arrived back at their camp, home of Lord Knok- Buri-Knok (brother of the famous Ghan-Buri-Ghan in ROTK). By this time, Bingo had woken up, and was awake when they arrived. The three warriors presented Bingo in front of their Lord. Knok-Buri-Knock was about to interrogate Bingo, when suddenly, Bingo spotted something climbing out of a tree. It was one of Konk-Buri-Knok's many young nubile daughters!   
  
Now even though the 'nubile' daughter resembled a small monkey in both body hair and arm size, Bingo was too sex-deprived to be picky. He ran towards her, pulled her out of the tree, threw her on the ground and started screwing her. This confirmed in Lord Knok-Buri-Knok's eyes that Bingo Smugglypants was definitely a God, come down to impregnate the Lord's daughters with divine babies. So given permission, Bingo then proceeded to screw the Lord's daughters, as well as every hot female in the tribe. So, to make a long story short, Bingo's genetics soon ran rampant amongst this specific tribe of Woses. He became Lord after Knok-Buri-Knok died, and by the time his eldest son inherited the leaf-crown, the entire tribe looked 90% more Smugglypantish that Wildmannish. And two generations later, with nobody marrying anybody outside the tribe, they all looked like Smugglypants hobbits. And then the inbreeding got so bad they began to mutate. And then they mutated so bad they would exploded on contact.   
  
"And that's the story of how Bingo Smugglypants' genetics killed a whole tribe of Wildmen." The Gaffer announced, taking a long drag from his pipe. No one in the Green Dragon made a single solitary sound. They just all sat and stared at the crazy old loon, wondering what the hell to say after such an...interesting...story. Samwise Gamgee was absolutely mortified over his father's story. His face was a bright, fire-truck red. But maybe that was because Frodo was also blowing him under the table.  
  
THE END 


End file.
